To be or not to be?

I feel down in the dumps today. Sometimes I feel like I am not understood, and this is one of those times. I think that what I am writing now is selfish, and self-centered. But I can't stop typing. I want to be all independent and not need my parents' or anyone's help. But then, I know that my parents are only trying their best to help me and raise me as a good child. (I can't believe it. I'm 12, I'm "grown-up," like mom says, and I'm writing this piece of crap?) However, instead of giving my thanks I give them sulking and whining. And I know what I'm doing is wrong. And I know I should be thankful. But it's hard to think about what I'm doing currently - but it's like that "angel and devil" playing tug-of-war with my thoughts, and I can't think (at that moment) straight. My dad has good intentions, but is sarcastic at times, and I start getting irritated very much and I do things that in retrospect are stupid, dumb, ARGH! I don't know the word to describe it. I get mad at my dad for helping me? Is that logical to you? Not to me. But I do it. Why? My grand piano has stuck notes and a broken key because I never closed it when I was done with it. And I get irritated and mad and annoyed at the fact that everytime I press below-middle-C, it gets stuck, and the notes near it, and then I start thinking: "If only I had been smarter! Everything is my fault! Nobody can trust me! I don't trust myself! Everything is dumb! No, wait, I'm dumb! I can't stand it! (screams) Why did I do that? I'm selfish! I can't stand it. There's no use to live. I'm being selfish again. How do I stop myself? Stop now. Stop. ... NOTHING WORKS!!! (cries out loud)." And I *feel* as if it happens every day, but I know it doesn't. The days when everything is OK, this doesn't happen. I don't feel annoyed and sad and depressed. But why today? Because I'm evil. No, because I'm stupid. WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY! My dad is telling me to be strong and to pull my emotions together because I need to be strong and I cannot be a "sissy." But strangely, I'm not getting pissed off at him. I feel better. From the very beginning of this post I feel much better. It's as if a reservoir of thoughts and emotions has gathered up (think of sinuses), and now I've opened the dam and let them go. I am sorry for ever bringing this topic up. I'm selfish. I've got a lot of cleaning up to do. I'm going to work. :')

Vartan